Here's What We Do

Every once in a while, my friends and family like to ask me: "What exactly do you do?" They want the down and dirty stories and rarely know just what they have gotten themselves in to with that question. They invariably end up running in the opposite direction with their hands over their ears.

The other day, I had the perfect opportunity to not just tell them but to show them exactly what we do. Our unit was hosting a "Shoulder Dystocia Drill" class and had a hideous Dummy (not you!) was laid up in a room to help the cause. They called her "Noel." She had plastic arms and legs, even a uterus, bladder and multiple, interchangeable vaginas. Not many of us can claim that! And I'm not even going to start to get into the cheap thrills we got by sending Doctor after Doctor in there to see her.

I thought it'd be funny to get some pictures with Noel before packing her up. Then I'd present the pictures to my boyfriend, and watch his face turn green as it always does if I say one word about work.

Ever notice on TV, how they like to stick the laboring woman's legs over the Doctors shoulders. I don't know what that's about, and I don't really care to find out, however, we thought Noel offered us the perfect opportunity to try it. It was a little hard covering up the screws in her knees and ankles, but a sheet worked well.

True to form, my boyfriend was HORRIFIED! "Who is that?!" "What are you doing taking pictures of your patients?! Aren't there rules about that?!" "That's disgusting! IS THAT A BABY?!" Haaaaaaaa! It was hilarious. Then I showed him the full picture:

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" was all he could say. Oh - and did I mention that we have some sexy Bitches working at our hospital??? Hey Angie! What's up?!

Pet Peeve #3: Frequent Fliers

Another news flash, my dear friend: You don't get a free ride because you've been here 83 times! This isn't Walmart and you don't buy-one-get-one-free here!

I have spent the last frustrating day dealing with a "Frequent Flier" who logged not one but two visits in one day! Why? Because she, in her infinite wisdom, firmly believed that she was going to die of elevated blood pressures (which somehow turned out to be perfectly within normal range) and if it wasn't the elevated blood pressures that were going to kill her, it was the very suspicious looking lump on her wrist. No amount of persuasion or logic was helping this girl until, after several intensive hours at the beside, I came to the conclusion that you cannot reason with CRAZY.

I thought as a goodwill service to the community, I would give a list of items to pay special attention to in childbirth classes and in the Doctor's office. It will save all Frequent Fliers a lot of trips:

• One contraction does not constitute labor. Neither does two or three. Suck it up.
• It's pretty much normal to throw up. YOU'RE PREGNANT! You really, really don't need to go to the hospital because you threw up. Deal with it.
• If you just had sex, and you're "leaking," would you normally go to the hospital?! It's called semen, folks. I suspect you're intimately acquainted. Clean it up.
• Did anyone, ever tell you to come to the hospital because you lost your mucous plug? Guys, that's just gross. Throw it out.

Back to Me!

We have this theory with regards to our patients. It's a mean, catty little theory which seemed to be tested and reinforced yesterday, on Father's Day. I work in a smallish little suburb, full of fertile, fake-boobied, full-face-of-makeup-in-labor, nails done princesses. If they're not the previous, they are wishing that they were and are in the "fake it 'til you make it" mode.

That being explained, here's the theory: It's all about me and if you don't realize that, I'll invent some obstetrical emergency so that you do realize it. For example, if it's boy's night out and you think you're going... I'm suddenly having preterm contractions! Or if the football game is on and is going into overtime, that's not going to work because I think my water broke! Yesterday (Father's Day) it was - I don't care if it's Father's Day and you're supposed to be getting all of the attention, my baby isn't moving!

I'm talking five women who came in with this complaint! Did you all sit around together at the Doctor's office and come up with this?! Oh - and here's a little hint: if you're going to claim that your baby isn't moving and this is such an emergency, please don't proceed to tell me that the baby hasn't been moving for 2 days! If it wasn't an emergency 2 days ago, it isn't an emergency now, Sweetheart!

When Can I Pee?

I can't tell you how many 12 hour shifts have gone by, when by the end of them, I realize I have not even stopped to pee. Lunch consists of grabbing a sandwich between vag exams. Breaks are not in a Labor and Delivery Nurse's vocabulary.

So Peeing? When do we pee?!

• When the Department of Health is on their inspection tour
• When JACHO is in the middle of their inspection of your unit
• When the CEO is "just stopping by to see how you're all doing"
• When time forces you to change certain female toilettries for fear of leakage or toxic shock syndrome
• When the pain of an overextended bladder is so intense that you are doing breathing exercises with the patient in labor
• When the shift is over

Nurse Bumper Stickers

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

An interesting piece of being a Labor & Delivery Nurse is being an observer to the lives and relationships of so many couples and families. When I started Nursing, I thought of it as a bit of an honor to be involved in special memories of so many people. Then I got all cynical...

I still find the whole people watching aspect entertaining, however, and today was no exception. First thing in the morning, I admitted a 30-something couple, expecting their first baby. She was a little loud for my taste and immediately began displaying controlling characteristics. Oh great, she's going to be one of those...! The husband, on the other hand, was curiously quiet, avoided eye contact and almost huddled in the background. Ok, so he's shy or nervous. I'll get him involved and calm them down a little first. I proceeded to discuss the plan of care with them and get them ready for her induction. As time passed, Dad came out of the shadows and began participating in supporting Mom. Ok, he's alright. While he leaves the room to get coffee, Mom quickly tells me, very appologetically, that things are very strained between them right now because he had just cheated on her. I didn't have time to discuss it more because he was back in the room.

He's NOT alright. What a freaking ASS. For the rest of the day, I couldn't look at him. I'm not good at hiding what I think and I'm sure it was exuding from every pore.

What makes a woman stay with a gem like that?!