You Might Be a Nurse If...

• Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
• Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• Your idea of comforting a baby is to place him in a papoose restraint.
• You believe that shallow gene pool should require a diagnosis.
• You believe CHOCOLATE is a food group.
• When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their great veins.
• You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the Eternal Care Facility.
• You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
• You think caffeine or Diet Coke should be available in IV forms.
• You believe that "too stupid to live" and "too stupid to breed" should be diagnoses.
• You want the lab to order a 'Dumbshit Profile'.
• You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick.
• You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled 'Suicide...Doing it Right'.
• You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, "No, I don't worry about birth control........I've been irradiated."
• You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
• You have your weekends off marked and planned for a year.
• You have discovered a new condition that you call Hypo-Xanax-emia.
• You plan what you are having for dinner while doing a gastric lavage.
• You know that drug seekers will be allergic to all medicines except Demerol.
• You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with them anymore.
• You have the bladder capacity of five people
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, "wow, it is really quiet" is uttered.
• Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.
• You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call.
• Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 years?"
• You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say, "I have no idea how that got stuck in there."
• You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant, how can I be having a baby?"
• You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
• Your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's.
• Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the back yard.
• You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
• When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the correct answers.
• You always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon.
• Your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room."
• The hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3-0 chromic or steristrips.
• You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors."
• You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work.
• Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
• You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots."
• You believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day.
• You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing.
• Your family members must have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy.
• You've ever sworn you are going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.